Q. What is grief?
A. Definition 1 - Grief is the normal and natural reaction to change or loss of any kind.
Definition 2 - Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.
Additionally - Grief causes change, and grief is love.
Q. Why does grief cause change?
A. When you experience a loss all of your traditions associated with that loss are gone and have to be redefined. It is unhealthy to try to live your life exactly how you lived it before the loss. For example, if the loss is you job, and continue to dress for work and leave the house at the same time, but actually go to the library instead, you will be unhealthy. If a close loved one dies, and you try to carry on the traditions that involved this loved one rather than redefining them, you could become unhealthy. Imagine if every year you wrapped birthday gifts, made a cake and sang happy birthday to an empty chair.
Q. Why is grief the same as love?
A. Somebody once said that we generate and permeate love to a person. They do the same. When they die, we can still be generating love, but when it gets to our skin, it has nowhere to go, so it turns into grief.
Grief is just love looking for a place to go. When you process grief and you're in your heart space, you can say things like
”I loved you so much, it hurts to acknowledge you are gone". Your strong grief is the result of your strong love.
Framing grief as love, softens its impact on our mind/body/soul, and allows us to move on.
Q. Is grief bad or good?
A. Grief itself is the natural reaction to loss.
When grief is processed as it arises, it is considered good grief. When grief is left unresolved, it accumulates over time and can have a lifelong affect, showing up in our present moment as a negative emotion. This is bad grief. Unresolved grief may generate additional grief, thus creating a negative closed-loop cycle.
Q. Why can't I fix my grief issues on my own?
A. In our life journey, we are taught how to acquire things, but not what to do when we lose them. Our society does not nurture talking about dying, death and grief. Instead, we are given unhealthy myths leaving us ill prepared to deal with loss. These are some of the most common ones:
DON'T FEEL BAD You tell your parents you were bullied at school, and they say, "Don't feel bad, here is a cookie".
REPLACE THE LOSS Your dog dies, and a new one shows up the next day.
GRIEVE ALONE Your parents see you crying and say, "If you are going to cry, go to your room".
JUST GIVE IT TIME People tell use "Time heals all wounds"; however unresolved grief can cause a lifetime of pain.
BE STRONG This is a confusing and unhelpful suggestion for dealing with loss.
KEEP BUSY Burying our true feelings in a frenzy of activity doesn't fill the hole left in our hears from loss.
No wonder many of us are afraid to face the deep and complicated pain that comes with grief. We've practiced and believed the misinformation and incorrect ideas that we've been taught. This workshop will help you develop effective tools to process your grief and move beyond the unresolved emotions that get in the way of a sense of well-being and a joyful life.
Q. What if my emotions are so strong and run so deep that I'm afraid to face them?
A. We all have had those thoughts, yet close to 1,000,000 people have taken the Grief Recovery workshop and have used the tools to move beyond their pain. Maybe you are not as unique as your mind wants you to think you are. And remember, your facilitator and the other group members will walk along beside you as you gain the workshop skills.
Q. Will my grief go away on its own?
A. Grief is like a flat tire, time will not fix the tire, nor will it fix the unresolved grief. A series of small and corrective choices made by you the griefer is the answer, not the passing of time. You will learn these in the workshop.
Q. What if I just stay busy, will that help me?
A. Staying busy just puts off the inevitable. We may get a bit of relief from the grief, but we will exhaust ourselves and still the grief is unresolved. We have been taught "Don't just sit there, do something". For me when I feel deep grief, I try to "Don't just do something, sit there". In the "Sitting There", I allow myself the space to bring my grief thoughts into the present moment, and deal with those feelings before moving on to the next life tasks.
Q. If I chose to do the Grief Recovery Method® Workshop, will I forget about my loved ones?
A. Actually, the exact opposite. Often times, when we bury our grief, we are afraid to open up that can of worms, and we don't think about our loved ones. When processing grief in the present moment, "We honour our loved ones", acknowledge their impact on us and celebrate their lives. We release the pain of the loss, not the person.
Q. Does the Grief Recovery Method® Workshop even if I don't have a recent death that I am grieving?
A. Yes, this workshop is for anybody who has accumulated unresolved grief from losses (death, loss of a relationship, loss of a pet, or loss of an intangible (e.g., trust, hope, faith)). How old the losses are does not matter.
Q. What if I am stuck with shrines throughout my life, actually taking over my life?
A. The stark reality is that when our loved one was with us, there was both sweet and sour things that happened between us. The Grief recovery method will help us identify these and we will move away from the tendency to enshrine or bedevil the memories of our loved ones.
Q. I have a very sad and shocking picture in my mind around the loss of my loved one. It keeps playing over and over. Will this be dealt with in the Grief Recovery Method® Workshop?
A. Yes, often times "that picture" in our mind is what is keeping us stuck. There are tools you will learn that can help you reframe those memories.
Q. My loss is actually of my pet. It seems to be shutting me down. Is this silly?
A. This is normal and natural. You may have lost a best friend (your pet). That pet may have been the only living being in this world that loved you unconditionally.
Q. I am not sure my loss is the kind that would be appropriate for this workshop? What is considered a loss?
A. There are over 40 kinds of losses that could be the reason one reaches out to take the Grief Recovery Method® Workshop. For example: The death of a loved one, the death of a pet, separations, divorce, abandonment, estrangement, the pandemic, loss of trust/hope/faith/innocence, loss of physical/mental health, bankruptcy, changing schools, moving etc.
Q. Is the Grief Recovery Institute a new organization?
A. No, it was established in 1997 and nearly 1,000,000 have followed the Grief Recovery Method®.
Q. How do you describe the intensities of grief that you have felt with your significant losses?
A. For me, there are three.
- Unresolved grief, sitting in my subconscious space
- Macro grief - the tsunami of grief that hits me when a loved one dies,
- Micro grief - the less intense but more frequent grief often times triggered by my senses
Q. Can you explain how you feel when the macro grief hit you in the past?
A. It felt like a tsunami of the thickest fog rushed into my mind, body and soul. It made my joints seize up and my brain does not function properly. If that is not enough, I felt like I floated down the Niagara River, fell over the Horseshoe Falls and landed in the churning water below. As I came to the surface, I realized I am alive, but needed to tread water just to stay alive. It was exhausting, depriving me of sleep and normal eating patterns. I no longer felt solid, safe or secure. To help me with this unmanageable situation, I reached out for a life buoy (Hospice Peterborough) and took a grief recovery workshop in 1998. This saved my life and gave me the tools to use going forward.
Q. How else did your profound grief feel inside your mind/body?
A. When the tsunami of emotions arrived in my mind/body/soul, it infiltrated my stable being, shook my world and left me feeling out of control. My normal ability to adapt to this world was temporarily lost. I felt the darkness of my unresolved grief generating raw emotions, forcing me to stare into the abyss of an unknown future.
Q. What do you mean by the Abyss of an unknown future?
A. This refers to the hole that is left from the end of or change in your familiar patterns or routine of your life. Let's say your soulmate dies. Nearly all of your traditions will change, especially ones that included your soulmate. The future is now unknown and can look and feel scary. With the trustworthy tools you'll acquire in the workshop, you can embrace the future with less fear and maybe even some wonderment. Resilience is one of those tools. As you work through the workshop and learn to deal with realities in the present moment your resilience will grow. The key to dealing with the future, is to build the tools that you can trust so that when grief about a future time or even can be acknowledged and be safely put in your grief parking lot. This is very different from ignoring and burying grief. Let's say you are feeling very uneasy about a trigger date in the future (the deceased person's next birthday). Yes, it will probably be very emotional and difficult. Knowing and trusting that you have the tools to deal with it in the present moment, you can part it till closer to the day. Seneca (the Stoic philosopher from 45 AD) suggested "why be miserable over future misery". Having the tools and utilizing your grief parking lot will help you not be miserable today about future sad events.
Q. Do you feel broken when in the middle of profound grief?
A. Mentally I feel stuck not broken. I don't need to fix my head, but rather my broken heart. I want to lean into change and move from this dark place of unprocessed grief to living a healthy life with my grief. Some people say that grief recovery is a 10-inch journey from your head to your heart.
Q. Can you explain pain and suffering as it relates to Grief?
A. If you study Buddhism, pain is inevitable, and suffering is optional. My experience is that when profound grief arrives, they are both inevitable. With the tools of the Grief Recovery Method® Workshop, the suffering can be reduced and minimalized. "You still may suffer intensely but not for as long a period of time. In 1998, I experienced very deep pain and suffering of profound grief for over two months. With the resent loss of my second wife, the pain and suffering were just as intense, but with the tools of Grief Recovery Method® Workshop and mindfulness, the suffering duration was much shorter each time deep grief presented itself.
Q. Is there an EASY BUTTON I can push?
A. Unfortunately, there is no easy button, you can't fast forward, and most importantly I recommend you don't skip a step. Grief has no expiry date. I invite you to go out and get the tools you need to deal with your losses and have those tools available the rest of your life. I invite you to do the work, trusting that:
"The grief recovery work you do today, will pay off in all or your tomorrows".
Q. Do I need to have a mindful practice before I take the Grief Recovery Method® Workshop?
A. While it would be helpful, it is not necessary. The essence of grief recovery is to bring past unresolved feelings into the present moment. You will gain some present moment skills naturally during the workshop.
Q. How long is the Group Grief Recovery Method® Online Workshop?
A. It is 8 weeks (2 hours a week) on zoom. Each week builds upon itself, so it is best not to miss a session. It is closed looped, with a beginning and an end. It is education and not counselling.
Q. Can I take the Grief Recovery Method® in a one-on-one online setting?
A. Yes, but it is quite expensive, and you miss out on the group interactions.
Q. How long is the Group Adults Helping Children with Loss Workshops?
A. It is 4 weeks (2.5 hours per week) on Zoom. This is not offered in a 1on1 setting.